Hello, to everyone reading.
My name is Devin, I am 20 years young and addicted to Adderall.
Well when I was 15, I was prescribed Adderall. But I have been taking them and abusing them since I was 13.
I have lost many good opportunities in life because of that damn pill.
First was my first love of 3 years. She was my everything at the time. We were together for my childhood years, and she was the one who took my virginity. It was the perfect love story (until I got comfortable.)
But my addiction was stronger than our love, apparently.
Every time I ran out of Adderall and was coming down or couldn’t find anymore, I turned into a completely different person. I would take things out on her that weren’t even her fault, and I just acted like a complete ass every time, just started arguments because I couldn’t get Adderall.
Until I finally finished crashing from the Adderall. After i was done crashing, I was the perfect boyfriend – I was sweet, caring and honestly the kind of gentleman every woman deserves.
Until the next time I took more and came off the drug. Then, back to the same thing – over and over and again, until she finally got tired of it and left me.
I was so broken-hearted, I became depressed.
So I started taking Adderall. Hard.
So hard that even my family was worried. My brothers told me they were worried I was gonna die because of the way I took them.
I took at least 6 or 7 Adderall every 24hrs. Hell, more than that if I felt I was coming down even a little.
I would stay up for 4 days straight at a time, and slept for either a full 24hrs or more, then repeat again and again.
Actually, I wouldn’t call it sleep, but more like passing out from exhaustion. I wouldn’t try to fall asleep, my body just shut down. I would pass out on my chair that’s right next to my bed while playing Xbox.
My older brother was telling me not too long ago about me falling asleep on the stairs up to my room, and that’s scary because I have no memory of this.
One time I slept for 2 days after binging on Adderall so hard. The sad thing is I’m not exaggerating.
During the 4 days I was awake, I would sit on the chair in my room and constantly play Xbox, and that’s all I’d do, other than smoke cigarettes like crazy.
I was completely shut off from the world. Losing every friend I had. My routine was to get something small to eat every time the sun came up and nothing else until the next day.
This lasted for about a year, but that one year was the darkest time in my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I know there are a lot better ways to deal with a heartbreak, but I didn’t care. Xbox kept my mind busy and Adderall made me focus and also made me amazing at video games.
Until one day, my cousin came to me and asked me if I wanted to make money with him (which possibly could have saved my life) and go do some side jobs (mow grass, rake leaves. etc.). So, I said why not, I thought it would be nice to get out for once. And make a little cash.
After going out that day, I started to socialize with my family more and more everyday and even started staying the night at my cousin’s house. And it felt good.
But I was still depressed, so I would still take them, just not as much, but still a lot more than anyone should ever take in a day.
That one year, which I like to refer to as “the dark days”, was the most painful thing to have ever happened to me. I would not wish that pain the on my worst enemy. It was absolute hell.
I used to be outgoing, always hanging out with friends going to party and making new friends. I was also very funny. I loved making people laugh.
But now, I have the worst social anxiety. I am scared of meeting people or even the thought of conversation. I don’t make jokes anymore or even go out of my way too make people laugh anymore. I have not been the same since the dark days.
But sadly that’s not all Adderall has taken from me..
After about a month and a half after working with my cousin and talking with my family again, I met this girl. She was beautiful. Had an awesome style, wore a beanie the same way I did LOL. She was literally the woman of my dreams. The one I thought I would start my life with.
But my addiction got the best of me again, sadly.
Soon after we got together, she moved in with me (I know, it was way too early for that) but she helped my life for the better.
I starting working jobs that take taxes, started thinking about my future and she totally made me forget the breakup with my ex. For the most part. She also brought me closer to God and made me believe again.
But I still loved the Adderall feel and still continue to take them to this day. And after she moved in, I only took like 3 or 4 30 mgs a day compared to the 7 or more I used to take. But that is still too many.
One day, I was joking with my girlfriend about how I watched porn (not thinking anything of it since my first gf didn’t care I didn’t think it was a big deal) and she got furious and told me if I loved her I wouldn’t. So I agreed.
Then I noticed when I took Adderall I was in the mood almost constantly and at the most random times. So I would end up watching porn. She became suspicious, so I told her the truth that I still was. I watched a few times after, also, and she found out about it.
It’s like I couldn’t help myself or resist doing it. I felt horrible but still did it – it’s like i wasn’t me. And it wasn’t because lack of sex – I was having it almost every day and night, all the time actually.
But anyways, just recently, dirty fb pages, groups, and even friends were showing up as suggested.And I never looked up anything dirty at all or anything wrong when I was sober. But on Adderall, I had a different mindset.
So after a couple more times of seeing more dirty things pop up on my phone she got sick of it.
After 2 years of being together and living together for a year and a half, she left me. She told me she no longer loves me like she used to. Since she left about 2 weeks ago, we have not talked once. Not even to check up on each other. And one week later we were gonna be moving into our apartment together…
But all that was gone, because of my addiction..
Even though I wasn’t hurt like the first, I was still sad. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been taking Adderall more and playing Xbox since she left. Just to run from my thoughts, because I was scared of repeating the dark days.
In the last couple days, I have read many Adderall addiction stories and there success on getting sober. I was truly inspired and thought, I want this more than anything.
I’m tired of being controlled by these damn pills.
I asked myself, “How many more things am I going to lose before I realize that I need to stop this addiction, my life?”
I already lost who I used to be before the Adderall, and I’m not even sure if quitting will make me happy again or even outgoing like I use to be, but I do know I wouldn’t be in the position I am in today or even have lost who I was.
I’ve quit 2 jobs because I was up all night and felt like a zombie and my stomach killed cause I couldn’t eat and started. It was to the point I drank a fifth a night just to even sleep plus sleeping pills. And sometimes that wasn’t enough.
I have never been the person to share my feelings before, I felt it would be selfish of me because everyone has there own problems so no need to complain about mine.
I have never told anyone about the worst days of my life. Or the way I felt.
I mean my family knew I was depressed, because I was so isolated for a year, but no one will ever know the exact way I felt then.
I’ve had a knot in my throat and even shed a few tears just from typing my story.
I’ve always fought thinking back to those days cause it always hits me hard to think about it. Now I just take Adderall to feel normal. First thing on my mind when I wake up and last thing on my mind when I fall asleep.
I am only 20 years young and I will NOT let Adderall control me any longer.
I have lost too much, as it is: relationships, jobs, friends, an apartment, and the worst thing I’ve lost is myself and who I was.
So please don’t ever turn to Adderall or any drug just to be happy or to help you cope. It might feel good for a minute, but I promise you life is better sober and I’m happy to be making these steps. I know it will be hard after 6 years of being dependent on them, but it is possible.
My last pill was 12 hours ago and I will be quitting cold turkey from now on.
I encourage anyone suffering from any addiction to do the same.
It will suck at first – I know that much – and I don’t even know exactly how this is gonna feel, but I know in the end it will be worth it.
Please pray for me, just like I will for anyone taking the steps to becoming sober.
I know what you’re going through, but I know things will get better.
Have an amazing day and thanks for reading. 🙂