I started taking Ritalin around 2000.
I liked it, but I did not abuse it.
When it stopped working, I simply stopped it. No problem.
A few years later, I was prescribed Adderall.
Same thing. Once it stopped helping, I stopped it. No problem.
I went back and forth for years, mostly without it.
I wasn’t addicted to it, and found it useless after awhile. Stopped it.
It wasn’t until 2007, that I developed an addiction to Adderall.
I had three small children and became diabetic with a low thyroid.
I was also misdiagnosed as bipolar – I was hospitalized the first time in 2007, for bipolar depression.
My roommate was a junkie and wanted her Ritalin, but she couldn’t get it.
I mentioned my Adderall had stopped working, and I was getting off of it again.
She suggested I snort it.
It was the worst advice I’d ever taken.
I tried it, and I felt a euphoria. I quickly began insufflating it exclusively.
My usage went up quickly, and I ran out early.
I experienced my first Adderall crash, which was horrid.
I decided I had to make sure I didn’t run out: I bought them online, which took days of searching.
I got them at first, but eventually they stopped coming.
The crashes became more constant.
I couldn’t stop.
I wanted to be supermom, which I hadn’t the energy any longer.
After about a year, my secret was discovered. I was hospitalized.
I tried to stay away from it, but found it impossible.
I went back to it, off and on, from 2008 to 2014.
Even for a lengthy time, I was able to take it orally and at the prescribed dose.
A fight with my husband prompted me to go back snorting it.
But I couldn’t stop it. Managed the dose, though.
Eventually, it increased, but to only half of what it was in 2008.
I always got caught. My husband found it, and I’d have to stop again.
I couldn’t stay away for long. My energy never came back, and I disappointed the family.
I saw Adderall as the only solution.
I went on it again, in 2012, and stayed on it until 2014, when I got caught.
This time, I lost everything.
I lost my family, my home, my friends. I was kept away legally from them and had to live in horrible sober houses and a rooming house for two years.
I completed my treatment, but my family wouldn’t have me back. They wouldn’t have a thing to do with me.
I was suicidal.
I went on it again, and I have been on it since 2015.
I struggle once again.
Nobody knows it, but I do, and it’s making me hate myself.
My children still want nothing to do with me.
I’m divorced and miserable. I am caught in a vicious cycle, and I hate who I am.
I don’t know that they’ll ever reconcile with me, and I feel unworthy because of what I’ve done.
I’ve considered suicide, often. Life without them is meaningless.
The Adderall doesn’t do what it did – yet I still chase it.
It doesn’t give me the superhuman focus anymore.
It doesn’t help much at all. Yet, without it, I can’t function at all – and I feel like dying.
It’s insane. I want to stop it! I won’t feel worthy of my kids reconciling with me until 8 I do – even if they don’t know.
I feel like scum.
I want out of this…