“I am caught in a vicious cycle, and I hate who I am.” – Addyslave

I started taking Ritalin around 2000.

I liked it, but I did not abuse it.

When it stopped working, I simply stopped it. No problem.

A few years later, I was prescribed Adderall.

Same thing. Once it stopped helping, I stopped it. No problem.

I went back and forth for years, mostly without it.

I wasn’t addicted to it, and found it useless after awhile. Stopped it.

It wasn’t until 2007, that I developed an addiction to Adderall.

I had three small children and became diabetic with a low thyroid.

I was also misdiagnosed as bipolar – I was hospitalized the first time in 2007, for bipolar depression.

My roommate was a junkie and wanted her Ritalin, but she couldn’t get it.

I mentioned my Adderall had stopped working, and I was getting off of it again.

She suggested I snort it.

snorting adderallIt was the worst advice I’d ever taken.

I tried it, and I felt a euphoria. I quickly began insufflating it exclusively.

My usage went up quickly, and I ran out early.

I experienced my first Adderall crash, which was horrid.

I decided I had to make sure I didn’t run out: I bought them online, which took days of searching.

I got them at first, but eventually they stopped coming.

The crashes became more constant.

I couldn’t stop.

I wanted to be supermom, which I hadn’t the energy any longer.

After about a year, my secret was discovered. I was hospitalized.

I tried to stay away from it, but found it impossible.

I went back to it, off and on, from 2008 to 2014.

Even for a lengthy time, I was able to take it orally and at the prescribed dose.

A fight with my husband prompted me to go back snorting it.

But I couldn’t stop it. Managed the dose, though.

Eventually, it increased, but to only half of what it was in 2008.

I always got caught. My husband found it, and I’d have to stop again.

I couldn’t stay away for long. My energy never came back, and I disappointed the family.

I saw Adderall as the only solution.

I went on it again, in 2012, and stayed on it until 2014, when I got caught.

This time, I lost everything.

I lost my family, my home, my friends. I was kept away legally from them and had to live in horrible sober houses and a rooming house for two years.

I completed my treatment, but my family wouldn’t have me back. They wouldn’t have a thing to do with me.

I was suicidal.

I went on it again, and I have been on it since 2015.

I struggle once again.

Nobody knows it, but I do, and it’s making me hate myself.

My children still want nothing to do with me.

feeling awful young woman suffering from Adderall addictionI’m divorced and miserable. I am caught in a vicious cycle, and I hate who I am.

I don’t know that they’ll ever reconcile with me, and I feel unworthy because of what I’ve done.
I’ve considered suicide, often. Life without them is meaningless.

The Adderall doesn’t do what it did – yet I still chase it.

It doesn’t give me the superhuman focus anymore.

It doesn’t help much at all. Yet, without it, I can’t function at all – and I feel like dying.

It’s insane. I want to stop it! I won’t feel worthy of my kids reconciling with me until 8 I do – even if they don’t know.

I feel like scum.

I want out of this…