I’d love to tell you all about my “one-time-experience” with the prescription drug Adderall.
The fact of the matter is that my first time was only just the beginning to the addiction I suffer from today.
The memory I have is nothing more than the palm of a friend’s hand, reaching out to me. There it was; the orange, oval-shaped pill that started it all.
I accepted and chewed the gross, candy-flavored(ish) Adderall down until it was nothing.
About thirty minutes had passed when I noticed the difference in my thinking. The obsession of every little thought was no longer a problem.
It was like my mind went from a mess of loose papers, to being organized and stored away in a file cabinet.
The minute I left my seat and got moving, there was no stopping myself. There was too much that hadn’t been taken care of.
Everything in sight was out of order and there was way too much room for improvement.
By the end the day, the entire house would be spotless, yet it still didn’t meet my expectations. Not in the slightest bit was I ever satisfied.
Adderall allowed me to give 100% of myself, and that I did.
Shortly after my doctor prescribed me Amphetamine Salts, I just couldn’t take just one or even a couple.
Today, I put myself through these manic episodes. I’m wired to the point of exhaustion but even if I try, I can’t sleep.
To drop 20 pounds with a single script is fairly easy. You just don’t eat. Ever. My body stays tense.
I try to relax myself by slow, deep breathing – but I can hardly breathe.
Blackouts happen quite often, and numbness in my feet or hands are becoming a normal thing like blinking your eyes.
Bones begin to ache, and teeth become sore to a point where they feel like they might fall out.
Cravings have sky rocketed. Excessive cigarette smoke has caused me to cough up what looks to be blood clots.
The peaceful sound of a bird chirping now sounds alarming.
Paranoia sets in.
Today, I caught myself looking out the window over and over, as if I was expecting someone.
Acne on my face causes massive anxiety attacks. There’s a mess on my face that can’t be wiped off like a drink is when spilt on the floor.
Scabs form, sweat increases, hair thins out and over-all, I am just this one big, hot mess.
Once I have reached a stage of Euphoria, my brain goes into pilot mode. My mind takes the wheel and forces every muscle to come along on the bumpy ride.
I eagerly anticipate the planned hustle and bustle of every single day. It gives my conscience great fulfillment to act immediately, without any concern for what little strength I have left.
When night falls over, I do my best with what I can to control this urge.
My family sleeps peacefully. I, on the other hand am waiting for a reaction to the sixth sleep aid.
If this puts me down, the alarm clock in my brain will be sure to wake me in just a few hours.
Life has managed to become an unhealthy cycle.
A rollercoaster would be the best way to describe these changes that I experience so frequently. I am up and down but never neutral.
Everyday life is fueled by these sulfate salts of speed in tiny, orange capsules. Thirty pills don’t last thirty days with an addiction like mine.
Seeing the bottom of the bottle so soon is just unfortunate, but I’m not surprised.
The doctor only gives me one script for each month with no refills. I’ve tried a few things to obtain it sooner than I should, but Pharmacy staff members are not oblivious to such a fraudulent scheme.
I also don’t have connections to anyone that sells it for less than $8 a pill. With a minimum wage job as a hostess, there just isn’t a way around it.
I’ve made my bed. Therefore, I must lie in it.
For now, my binge on Adderall comes to a halt.
Till next time, I will want nothing more than to sleep my days away and to eat enough food to gain every pound of weight back.
Life now revolves around the date of my next prescription.