Finding this site and reading the stories of others I FINALLY feel I’m not alone.
I’ve tried to find other sites but they really didn’t hit the nail on the head as the stories I’ve read here.
I was put on Adderall at age 12… it.CHANGED MY LIFE for the better.
I was finally able to pay attention.
My mom says I came home one day and said, “it’s finally like someone turned on the light”.
That’s exactly how it was.
I took it off and on through school and even into senior year.
Never abused it, and honestly I never even heard of people abusing it!
After I had my son in 2009, I had PPD and ended up going back to the doctor.
After a while and having my issues under control, I honestly don’t even remember the convo that ended in me getting back on Adderall.
At this time, now, life was TOTALLY different. I was a new mom, a wife and also taking care of my sister and her new baby. I had a lot on me.
I don’t remember the point I decided that this was my key to being “super mom” – hell more like “super woman” – I did it all.
Lost all my baby weight PLUS more…WAY more.
It was great the first 3 years, I’d say.
I was abusing but not over abusing to the point of bad bad side effects.
Now fast forward..my son is 7 now and I have an 11 month old baby.
The point my life is at right now, just breaks me.
I take an entire bottle in a week in a half, maybe 2 wks at best.
But that’s not all. I also take a bottle of Vyvance with that, also.
With that being bad enough, I also drink 2 bottles of wine a night and on occasion take 2 mg Xanax a night.
Just typing that out…hurts.
Why the fuck would I do this to myself?
My babies, my amazing husband. Our future.
Sadly, when I even think about it… it only makes me want to drink more.
I’ve come completely clean with my husband.
He’s known there’s a issue, but not to the extent that it is. He also is lost re. what to do.
He said he’s going to start calling around somewhere for me to go and get help bc he has no idea what and where to start to help me.
I told him about this site and I was going to reach out.
I hope I can get some feedback, and what exactly my first step should be to get help.
At the same time….when I’m sober from drinking and Xanax, the next day I’m not so “ready”.
I’ve read about the taper down over time but I already know there’s no way I can do that. I don’t feel it, anyway.
I also have a lot of health issues I tend to put on the back burner and ignore, b/c it’s hard to face them.
The only time it’s in front is when I’m pregnant and its b/c I’m high risk.
I have lupus SLE, and I can feel my body shutting down.
I’m at the point of taking 4-5 20mg XR Adderall plus 2-3 50mg Vyvanse a day and feeling like shit.. not high, not getting things done.
Mostly sitting in my home watching and playing with my baby and doing some basic house hold things.
Not the things I once was able to do.
If I mop, then I’m wiped out.
I’m so weak and in pain 99% of the time in my body.
I know the alcohol is a HUGE issue, as well. I start at about 4pm and will stay up until about 11-12 maybe and pass out.
My biggest fear is my husband or my babies will find me dead.
But why won’t that stop me.
Why is this so much stronger than my love for them?
My life is them… and then there’s my meds that I can’t live without… but hate living with.