I have always had an under lying eating disorder that started when I hit puberty.
I remember meticulously counting calories (at 12 like wth!?) and then exercising the exact amount of calories I took in so I would never gain weight.
This happened because I was constantly picked on the year before for being chubby or fat, and I wanted to change that.
Looking back, as a child, it was the only thing I felt I had control over.
Fast forward many years later, I started taking Adderall after having my daughter and starting college.
My fiancé at the time was on it, and he had dropped a ton of weight in a short period of time and was able to concentrate and get things done so quickly.
I wanted that… it was so easy, too.
I went to my doctor’s appointment and purposely failed my assessment so I could receive this drug (but in all fairness I really do believe I have ADD)… and from there, I followed the doctors orders and took it the way I was suppose to.
This went on for a couple of years, until I decided to up my dose from 40mg a day to 80mg a day and it made me feel amazing!
I got things done and I was losing weight.
I was super-mom!
I recently had some health issues and started having severe panic attacks and anxiety and decided to come clean to my family about my Adderall abuse which caused me to flush my remaining prescription down the toilet.
Seems my life has been a downward spiral since then, and I am assuming the way I am feeling is because of the lack of Adderall.
I am scared, because I hope I have not done irreversible damage to myself.
I am hoping to be my “old self” (whoever that is anymore) someday soon.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day”, and I didn’t create this addiction overnight.
I recently quit my job of 2 years, and I am being evicted from my home… but I have hope and faith this will get better.
I can only go up from here.