“My brother is killing himself with Adderall, and we are pretending like everything is all good.” – Sister2anaddict

My story here is a little different, but I need to vent.

I’ve never taken Adderall, but it scares the living shit out of me because I’ve watched my brother battle this horrific addiction for 10 years – on top of an alcohol addiction.

I knew he had a problem long before anyone knew he had a problem. They didn’t see what I saw.

Yet, I was the mean one, I was a tattle-tail, I was jealous when I tried for years to warn my parents of his problem. They ignored me! For SO LONG!

I tried…. for so so long!

See, when you grow up a certain type of way, these things tend to get swept under the rug because of a certain image people try to maintain.

A child with an addiction would have been an embarrassment. I was told to leave him alone.

Yet, here we are down this road.

Truth of the matter is, I do not know this person whom I speak of, anymore.

snorting adderallThe bizarre behavior; paranoia; scary hallucinations;

the 3-day crashes; insomnia;

jail time; losing multiple jobs (hasn’t been able to hold onto job in a year);

destroying his marriage and putting his now ex wife in debt;

severing ties with several family members which has led to fights among these family members with my parents;

using people for money (especially my elderly grandparents) to feed this disgusting habit and the debt that comes a long with it will make you want to vomit.

He lost everything, and some, but still can’t see that he has a problem.

We recently tried treatment facilities after the wool came off of my parents eyes for a few weeks, when his wife kicked him out and served him papers.

Sadly, it’s never lasted more than 48 hours because of the LIES! To the doctors, to my parents, to everyone and they believe he is fine and they just let him go.

Did I mention he is a narcissist?

I never thought you could love and hate a person at the same time, but it’s very possible!

He is toxic, and I can see right through him. No wool here!

What is worse, he doesn’t feel one single ounce of remorse for the destruction he has done. Nothing.

He instead blames everyone else. Classic move.

I sit here with so many different feelings

  • Deep anger for the destruction he has cause.
  • Resentment towards my parents for throwing my feelings and deep concerns to the side for over 10 years.
  • Annoyed that they are living in denial.
  • Guilt for making the decision to love him from a distance.
  • Am I making it worse?

Isn’t this my life?

I have young children involved here and his bizarre behavior would frighten them.

I have a rage inside of me, because my parents enable him and constantly bail him out.

Of course, he will never get better when no one forces him to.

Shouldn’t someone put a foot down?

What about my feelings?

What about the stress its putting on my parents? Physically, emotionally, financially.

The worry, knowing that I’ll be the sole care taker when my parents are too old to take care of themselves.

What if he causes them to lose their retirement? What happens then? Why do they keep enabling?

He is killing himself. Slowly killing himself, and we are pretending like everything is all good.

I want to scream but I can’t because it creates a wedge.

The ripple effect gets unbearable.

I’m just waiting on the call.

That one call that will make me want to scream with rage from a rooftop,