Where does one begin a story that has no ending?
A story worth reading the story of beauty a story of a beautiful tragedy. The story of a broken vase torn feathers nervous laughter, countless nights, endless days inside answers, outside solutions, changes seasons, but one thing stays the same.
One chain I have yet to break that very few understand. The whole pill.ms Adderall 30 milligrafive times daily, well for the fifth daily was PRN” in case I went out with my friends.”
At 16 years old it couldn’t get any better and little did I know it would only get worse. My life is not a story of Despair, and I write this hoping that somebody out there makes it something from this.
At times, I wonder if Adderall saves my life but at 29 years old to realize that was given crystal meth in a pill form under State supervision just doesn’t sit right.
Some days, I have more control but ultimately have lost control, and it’s all sent it around and obsessive compulsive Adderall addiction but let me remind you have gotten better. What does better mean from 5 to 2 3 a day but sometimes Take five afraid to count?Afraid…
Well isn’t in a frayed patient convenient for a doctor. Afraid of complacent compliant the perfect experiment especially if it makes you feel good. Let’s keep this about me I made Adderall my life my God my secret go to be everything I felt like couldn’t be without it. It’s been 13 years, and I do feel like I’ve been taking something similar to crystal meth all along I just never knew it.
Of course if I could change this I would but to be honest, I had one chance at age 25 to go to a Wilderness therapy rehab and I didn’t get to stay the full time but I learned a lot about myself, and I’ll always be grateful. I live in Mass, and I wish there were more access to treatment programs and more funding, and I don’t understand why there is no such thing as growing adult Wilderness therapy rehabs.
I’ve been talking about getting clean for almost six years now I’ve done in Narcotics Anonymous, and I have my personal thoughts regarding that and I’m still open every day to any form of healing that can Aid my journey because we all have crosses to bear.
Some of the horrors of my addiction have been the loss of love psychosis anorexia concessive compulsive hoarding invention of amphetamines, glamorizing amphetamines before I knew what I was doing, and a habit that I still won’t admit what it would have cost me. Thank you for reading this God bless you
Addiction to adderall can be difficult to reverse.
I am 64 years old and have been addicted to Adderall for many many years. When my son was in kindergarten, he displayed behavioral symptoms for which his teachers were concerned.
I took him to the doctor, and they told me that he had ADHD and gave him Adderall immediately. I did my research because my son hated taking it, and the medical establishment said that it was inherited and that I too, had ADHD. I loved the effect!
My house was polished perfectly, I had the energy to be a super mom, and it made me bright and cheerful. I just did the math, and I have been taking some stimulant for 34 years. I keep coming back to Adderall because it gives me the most “bang for my buck.”
I now am up to 60 MG’s per day, and I am scared of my addiction (I am also taking a 1 MG dose of clonazepam) which I know from experience is also addictive, but first things first.
I believe that the Adderall is going to blow my heart out, and the doctor and the pharmacist treat me like an addict and give me a 28 day RX, written for three months at a time, with a doctor exam before my next three-month refill.
They treat me like an addict because I am one.Today my beloved partner and I had the discussion about the truth of my addiction, and how I can best slowly withdraw and give my body some relief.
One of the reasons that I love this drug is the temporary feelings of power, energy, and ability to think clearly. In truth, that is a lie.
I am not sure how to safely do this, and I have never been in an online support group, but I am scared, yet strangely ready, willing and motivated to live life without a false sense of knowing that the only way I am coping with life is by popping my Adderall.
Any help, suggestions, encouragement and ways to make this journey less unbearable would be greatly appreciated. Just being honest and sharing this is huge, because I am a secret “Betty Crocker” appearing chick with a serious problem!
Thank you for hearing me.
I have been taking Adderall for about four months. The immediate changes I have felt, have been fantastic. I have lost weight which I love, and don’t have cravings; my mood is up, energy is up, not too sure about focus, because my brain is weird.
I don’t think I can concentrate any better than I did without it. I notice that I’m obsessed with things, like running, my figure, being on my phone constantly.
When I have something exciting happen, or meet someone new, I think in that situation for hours, and can’t get it out of my head.
I take it early in the morning as soon as I get up, along with Prozac and Wellbutrin. Have some headaches, I sleep fine; just feel anxious during the day. It was brought to my attention that I’m not the person I want to be.
Looking at the information about this drug, I’m so disappointed to read that it’s equivalent to taking speed, I can’t do this, I’ve never been a drug addict, can’t stand being my true self.
It scares me to know. Now I have to wean off and try to recover before it does more damage. The changes I know I’ll have from weaning off are going to be spool scary to me and so uncomfortable.
That’s why it’s called an addiction, and my doctors didn’t even tell me this could happen.
I abused Adderall for about two years before the crashes about took my life. I went to treatment and stayed sober a while and then started stealing and abusing concerts until I couldn’t take enough to get my high.
So now I switched doctors, and they put me on Vyvanse, and it gave me the euphoria for a few days, and now I can take up to 250 mg, and it does nothing.
The comedowns and crashes devastate me. I have totally changed into a different person in the last three years. I got divorced. I have to take care of two kids who see their mother like this.
The mother, they used to be entirely different. I need the energy and focus that stimulants give me but my tolerance is so high I can’t. I am lost. Depressed. Confused.
Finding this site and reading the stories of others I FINALLY feel I’m not alone.
I’ve tried to find other sites but they really didn’t hit the nail on the head as the stories I’ve read here.
I was put on Adderall at age 12… it.CHANGED MY LIFE for the better.
I was finally able to pay attention.
My mom says I came home one day and said, “it’s finally like someone turned on the light”.
That’s exactly how it was.
I took it off and on through school and even into senior year.
Never abused it, and honestly I never even heard of people abusing it!
I’ve been addicted to Adderall since I was prescribed it at the age of 14.
I’m now 27…
I wouldn’t know where to begin telling my story, it’s long and sad and selfish and super strange as most peoples’ are..
But it’s also still not over.. And I’m not sure it’ll be a happy ending.
Not to get all depressing or anything, but Adderall most likely killing me is something I’ve come to accept.
I never thought it would get this bad, but I guess that’s kinda how addiction works, one day i just stopped caring…
I was prescribed an initial dosage of 60 mg of Adderall (20 mg, 3x daily).
At first, I was nervous.
My psychiatrist suggested that I monitor my heart rate and notate any other adverse symptoms that may occur. My heart rate increased slightly, but it was nothing that was concern-worthy.
Without getting in to too many details, I was suddenly dropped by my psychiatrist and no longer had access to my prescription.
It was terrifying.
Honestly, the drug helped me so much with anxiety, attitude, focus, mood, and organization. It did exactly what the doctor (and myself) were hoping would occur.
Searching for a new psychiatrist is difficult.
There needs to be a certain level of trust between patient and doctor, and frankly, I don’t think there was much trust on either side in my first few attempts to find myself a new doctor.
It was at this time, that when I realized I would no longer have access to Adderall (or Xanax for that matter), I didn’t know where to turn.
I went to a primary care physician for the first time in over 10 years. I told my now primary doctor that I had prescriptions to both Adderall and Xanax but I was “in between psychiatrists” at the moment.
The doctor was reluctant to prescribe me controlled medication, and my reserve stash was dwindling. She told me that if I did not find a psychiatrist within a month, she would write me a one-time prescription for those two drugs, and I would then be left to my own devices to obtain a script.
My Adderall ran out first, and I became a mess.
I was constantly moody, my sleep suffered immensely, I started to spiral back in to a depression that put me on a track towards seeking medical health relief in the first place.
I began to care less and less for my own well-being. I cared very little for consequences of my actions and became reckless with my actions.
I was probably off of Adderall for a month when I was arrested for DWI.
I should have been more concerned about the ramifications of my actions (thankfully my arrest was because I failed to signal and that there was no motor vehicle accident), but something inside was almost apathetic to this serious legal debacle.
At the time I was not aware that my mostly apathetic reaction to a DWI charge (and later a conviction) was because my concerns were placed elsewhere.
I continued with therapy, and it helped. I was (and still am) seeing a psychiatrist once a month and a therapist every two weeks.
To this day, I am still a mess.
I’m still very apathetic, which, some may argue is better than depression, but I almost have to disagree.
The medication I’m on now has little to no addictive tendencies, so I’m thankful for that, but the very medication I am now on to cope with depression and anxiety that was worsened by the sudden absence of two addicting medications has left me often emotionless.
My therapist tells me that I need to learn to start using my gut instincts and stop over-analyzing every aspect of every life event and encounter I experience.
While it sounds simple, Adderall actually helped me craft a different way of approaching and analyzing situations.
Some may argue that my Adderall-less mind is a blessing, and in some ways I would tend to agree, but I miss the focus and feeling of empowerment I felt with Amphetamine Salts coursing through my blood, affecting every thought and emotion I was experiencing.
Today, I can confidently say that I have been off of Adderall over a year now (minus one relapse where I received two doses from a friend who was also prescribed).
I have in so many ways wished for that prescription to be refilled, to again be able to do things with a sense of purpose and clarity.
I would love if I could stop grinding my teeth when I’m anxious or uncomfortable in social situations, but I suppose it’s the price I pay for no longer having this medication in my body, but it is still very much a part of my life, even in it’s absence.
My advice to others would be, should they be given an option from their medical professional, to seek another form of assistance with ADHD and ADHD-related symptoms, be it prescription or not.
You will learn to love this drug, and you will hate yourself for loving it so much.
If you love something but it doesn’t come back to you, you are to set it free.
But Adderall does not play by those rules.
Breaking Point…. Again?
9 was my magic number.
9 magic pills. In less than a few hours.
9 was enough to make me lose count.
9 that night made my whole body go numb and lifeless, while my heart rate couldn’t decided if it wanted to race to speeds fast enough to induce cardiac arrest… or slow and deep enough, to stop my breathing.
I’ve probably taken more than 9 magic pills a day; actually, I know I have.
But this particular night, I came clean about everything.
I came clean about taking all those magic pills to my roommate, to my mom and to my significant other.
No more lies, or deceit. No more secrets, or hiding.
My name is Lindsay, and I’m a junkie.
I could say, addict; I even used to say, alcoholic (if you knew me back then in the program), but I feel as though “junkie” is the best way to accurately label my personal relationship with Adderall.
Everyone has their drug of choice. Mine came in the 30mg pink pill form given to children (horrifying) and adults with ADD/ADHD.
I say horrifying, ’cause this lovely little stimulant is the closest legal form of Methamphetamine one can purchase at your local pharmacy.
You see, I also had this other demon lurking, just waiting for the right opportunity…
It was an eating disorder. It goes by the name of anorexia and is accompanied shortly after by binge eating.
I struggled with my weight ups and downs, until Adderall and I met, in 2010.
The first time I saw my pupils dilate bigger than golf balls, a rush of adrenaline flooded my body giving me all day energy that no CAFFEINE could compare to, even on a good day.
Simultaneously, my young adult mind was being introduced to the drug’s high; an increased release in my serotonin and dopamine causing a euphoric, joyous high that had a side effect I didn’t see as a side effect at all: Loss off appetite…
Thus, starvation and weight loss… and more weight loss… and more weight loss.
But long before I had achieved even a pound of weight loss, I knew I had fallen in love. From that first high, this was fate.
I knew in that moment, this is my answer. I’m going to do this for the rest of my life.
Bringing us back… 9 tablets of 30mg Adderall instant release is almost twice the lethal overdose for my weight and height.
180mg in less than a few hours!
I had no intention of harming myself that day – quite the opposite – but I’m a veteran Adderall junkie, with a long term habit that’s cost me more than I care to admit.
The insanity of every bender… until I hit 5am, and realize normal people sleep but me. Then I just resort to addie.
Always there, in times of exhaustion or lack of motivation. Addie was always there for me, like no other friend was.
In my purse, hiding out, low key. If I was ever tired, hungry, or lazy, Addie fixed those symptoms with no hesitation.
My anorexia flourished.
At this time, I had no idea that one day I would lose everything…
Fast forward to where my addiction has gotten me today
My sanity would eventually be lost to a drug-induced psychosis.
My emotions are at the mercy of manic bipolar, an imbalance caused by repeated and untreated overdoses.
My happiness is non-existent.
Depression has settled over me every single time I try to quit.
After lack of nourishment and long time usage, there’s nothing left of my dopamine or serotonin, they’re drained and could take months if not even longer and also require anti-depressants to fully combat this permanent brain damage I have self-inflicted.
Like most amphetamine junkies, my teeth are sore constantly. I jaw-janked regularly, and it still hurts to chew certain foods.
Poor circulation, low energy levels.
Limbs going numb, irregular heart beat, acne.
ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT
But now, I tell you everything and everyone else: I didn’t care about throwing away or tweaking in front of, because to me, tweaking on Adderall daily was the only way to survive.
I had no choice. Without it I was useless, bed ridden, hallucinating, while my entire body felt as though it had been repeatedly jack hammered into submission every inch, muscle, tissue, fiber, organ, cell of what was left of my malnourished drug-dependent human body (if you could even call it a body after the years of torture I put it through I barely even recognized my own reflection.)
So here I lay, withdrawing, on my couch.
I’m a veteran Adderall junkie, who’s been feeding a daily habit for over 6 years.
But… I bet if you knew me, you’d have no idea.
I’ve been hiding this secret addiction, even though out my “2 years of sobriety from alcohol and street drugs”…. I still tweaked on Adderall EVERY DAMN DAY.
Hallucinations and tremors don’t scare me.
What scares me most about not having:
- the pain of being alive. Because nothing after Adderall ever seems to make you quite right. I’m afraid I might never be fixed.
- how much weight I’ll gain without it. In a week, two weeks, a month, two months, three months, fourth months, six months.
Last month, I tried quitting and went two weeks with out Adderall… I put on thirteen pounds. I’m only five feet tall!
And anorexia notices every little flaw and detail that makes you want to starve your self beyond any human reason.
My self-esteem is crushed.
Drugs have lead me down a path of starvation and binging.
I coped with extreme cardio and lifting to balance the binges.
LW: 89lbs 23yr
HW: 125 23yr
CW: 103 24yr
… but my stretch-marked inner thunder thighs are far beyond compare, and my love handles and gut don’t seem flat for my weight.
I have lost any love I once had for this battered and beaten shell that remains of this woman.
I curse my reflection, my acne, the way my awkward body looks in clothes, my hair even when brushed looked disheveled and unruly.
But the reason, most of all, I hate my reflection is because I hate myself.
I am a fraud, and your soul slowly dies as you become physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically reliant upon Adderall.
Angry at the world and socially withdrawn.
My family has given up on me. And I don’t blame them, Adderall addicts don’t exactly have the highest of success rates, but f**k – ANYTHING HAS TO BE BETTER THAN LIVING EVERY DAY AS AN OBSESSIVE, ANTISOCIAL, PARANOID, ADDERALL FIEND LOCKED UP IN MY ROOM SCROLLING INCESSANTLY ON MY PHONE ABOUT PEOPLE, WHEN I NEVER EVEN LEAVE MY HOUSE.
At this rate, my chances of overdose and death are high; and, in a moment of a clarity, I realize I really don’t want to die as just another knock-off prescription speed junkie who accidentally overdosed.
His name is Zach.
He doesn’t know it, but he saved my life.
I told him, calmly, the extreme nature and duration of my addiction and eating disorder; this was my first time telling anyone. I had been living in secret for the past 6 years.
Even when I was an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous for over 2 years, with a sponsor working 12 steps, numerous daily meetings. I was sponsor. I even worked in a rehab facility.
But I never have been to one.
I still took Adderall every day, and claimed to be sober.
I am a fraud.
I start treatment tomorrow for Adderall addiction and an untreated eating disorder and therapy for years of physical abuse.
Horrified is putting it lightly.
I’m probably going to lose my job that I absolutely love, but I want my life back.
I want to be able to smile and laugh – not a “euphoric high-induced smile that eventually fades”… but a genuine smile.
I haven’t felt one of those in years.
My story is shockingly common: a teenage girl who hates the fat on her body and barely scrapes by in school.
My story is typical, but with a few atypical details.
A few weeks after breaking up with my boyfriend of a little under a year, a faint blue line appeared on a pregnancy test taken in a grocery store bathroom.
I was scared, and we both had no idea what to do; but all that I knew was that this little life inside of me depended on me to care for it, fight for it, nurture it, and love it; and I loved it more than I had ever loved anything.
About a week after finding out that I was pregnant, I started bleeding heavily. I almost had to be rushed to the ER twice in the few days before I sought formal medical attention.
I was informed that fetal demise had occurred around 7 weeks gestation, about a week before the actual miscarriage, and that was why the blue line was so faint.
This caused me deeper pain than anything else that had ever happened in my life, and even though that boy and I got back together, he offered no emotional support. He dealt with his pain by shutting off and shutting everyone else out; including me.
I became extremely depressed. My grades dropped even lower than my C- average.
One day, a couple of weeks after the miscarriage, when I was struggling to stay awake in a class I hated, a girl I was acquainted with handed me a little white pill.
I was informed that it was a generic brand of Adderall, and upon doing a quick internet search, I confirmed that it was indeed a combination of amphetamine salts and dextroamphetamine.
So, I said “screw it” and popped the 45mg.
Within minutes, I felt a change occurring.
I breezed through all of my classwork and missing assignments (I had about 30 of those). A warm, calm feeling flooded through my chest and I felt…happy. For the first time in a very long time.
As time went on, I continued to abuse Adderall.
I noticed the belly pooch that served as a constant reminder of the baby I lost going away, replaced by jutting hipbones and ribs.
I lost friends, permanently damaged my relationships, and I didn’t like who I was becoming; so I quit cold turkey. At that time, I was snorting 90mg a day.
For the whole 5 months I was sober, I constantly craved Adderall. It was unbearable. I was just as depressed sober as I was addicted.
October 5th would’ve been my baby’s due date. Everything was 1000x worse that day, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
A close friend of mine was selling Adderall XRs and IRs, so I cracked and relapsed that morning. I shut my eyes, sat back, and let the pills paint my brain in dopamine.
About a month into me using again, I was railing 60mg a day and eating maybe a granola bar or two a day.
I looked like a walking corpse, and my doctor confirmed this when he told me that my kidneys were failing.
From there, I cut back a bit, but I couldn’t stop using. Adderall was my lover, and I couldn’t let go.
What made me want to try to get clean the 2nd time around was a combination of a few things:
1) One of my close friends confessed his love for me by saying, “I wish you wouldn’t take those pills. How am I supposed to marry you one day if you’re not here?” I didn’t choose to date him, but his words still shook me.
2) Another friend of mine showed me a picture of a woman with an eating disorder, and she told me I looked just like her and she begged me to stop using.
3) My mom came into my room one night, confronted me about snorting Adderall, and begged me to stop before I killed myself.
4) A close friend of mine and I reconnected. I told him about my drug use, and he proceeded to explain the chemical compounds of Adderall vs. Meth; and how if I kept using, I was going to die
All of this happened over the course of a few days.
So with that, I stopped cold turkey again, and started dating the friend from no.4.
But this time, at the 2nd week, I didn’t want to use ever again. I was happy clean; I was happy with him. So why start again?
But alas, on week 3, I was constantly on the brink of relapsing again.
I didn’t know why I wanted it, but I did more than anything. My craving for this drug ruined my relationship, and that’s where things got bad again.
When we broke up, I was devastated to say the least.
This person had been the one I turned to for everything over the past two years. It was as if he was made for me, and I screwed it all up.
A few days after we broke up, I relapsed; and around midnight, I guess I snorted one too many lines because I was so dizzy and my heart was irregularly pounding out of my chest.
When the left side of my upper body started going numb and tingly with random shots of pain, I decided to call him (he knew a lot about medical stuff and knew what to do in this sort of situation). He calmed me down enough to keep me from going into cardiac arrest, but I still felt like a failure.
I had done this all to myself.
I had destroyed our relationship, severed friendships, wrecked my body (I was at 108lbs and only 5ft3 with all of my body fat in my butt and my boobs), and hurt my family so badly with my addiction.
Enough was enough.
I told my mother the next day what had happened.
I cut ties with the “friend” who continued to sell to me when my kidneys were failing and nearly killed me. I had hit my rock bottom, and I was never going back to that evil little pill again.
Withdrawal was the very definition of Hell.
Constant cold sweats and shakes, I couldn’t even keep down water, constantly drifting in and out of sleep, horrible depression, this withdrawal was worse than any other time I had tried to quit. Even cigarettes lost their appeal.
But I toughed through it, and now here I am, 38 days clean.
As I write this, I am a few days away from finally getting into a rehab facility.
They never tell you how hard it is to get help; it’s taken me 30 days to get admitted into rehab and get my financial affairs in order (REHAB IS EXPENSIVE!).
All of the other times, I was too stubborn to admit that I needed help; and now that I have and I am getting it, I have never felt more free.
Yes, I still have some symptoms of withdrawal (they never tell you in the media that you end up with sores everywhere), but I am in a much better place than I was on Adderall.
If you are reading this and you are using Adderall, GET HELP NOW.
It is never too early or too late!
If you are reading this because you suspect that someone you know is abusing prescription amphetamines, do what you can to get them help too! Tell their parent or something; they’ll hate you now, but thank you later.
Adderall has ruined my life, and I don’t want to see anyone ever have to go down the path I went down.
If it takes me telling my story to prevent even one kid from swallowing that little pill their classmate offered them, then I am happy to tell every gory detail.
When I was in sixth grade I was diagnosed with ADD, even though I was an A and B student.
I remember being prescribed to Concerta. I did not like how I felt, had headaches and anxiety.
After switching medications, and being prescribed medications to “cure” side effects from those medications, two years later I was prescribed 10 mg doses of Adderall.
I still remember the feeling of my first day on one.
What Is Adderall?
Adderall is the brand name given to a prescription drug most commonly used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and ADD in children and adults.
The active ingredients in Adderall include the salts of two well-known psycho-stimulants, amphetamine and dextroamphetamine.
Adderall is a central nervous system stimulant, along with other types of amphetamines including methamphetamine (‘crystal meth’). The drug works by increasing the level of dopamine in the brain, which helps people suffering from ADHD calm down and maintain focus on their environment and/or their task at-hand.
This 3-minute video explains where Adderall came from and what it does to your body:
There are two forms of the drug sold today: (more…)
“The Truth About My Adderall Addiction”
Last December, Ruthie Freidlander wrote an excellent autobiographical article for Elle magazine that explained how an Adderall addiction crept up on her and eventually consumed her life.
Here’s how Ms. Friedlander explains the thought process that led to her full-on addiction: