I was prescribed an initial dosage of 60 mg of Adderall (20 mg, 3x daily).
At first, I was nervous.
My psychiatrist suggested that I monitor my heart rate and notate any other adverse symptoms that may occur. My heart rate increased slightly, but it was nothing that was concern-worthy.
Without getting in to too many details, I was suddenly dropped by my psychiatrist and no longer had access to my prescription.
It was terrifying.
Honestly, the drug helped me so much with anxiety, attitude, focus, mood, and organization. It did exactly what the doctor (and myself) were hoping would occur.
Searching for a new psychiatrist is difficult.
There needs to be a certain level of trust between patient and doctor, and frankly, I don’t think there was much trust on either side in my first few attempts to find myself a new doctor.
It was at this time, that when I realized I would no longer have access to Adderall (or Xanax for that matter), I didn’t know where to turn.
I went to a primary care physician for the first time in over 10 years. I told my now primary doctor that I had prescriptions to both Adderall and Xanax but I was “in between psychiatrists” at the moment.
The doctor was reluctant to prescribe me controlled medication, and my reserve stash was dwindling. She told me that if I did not find a psychiatrist within a month, she would write me a one-time prescription for those two drugs, and I would then be left to my own devices to obtain a script.
My Adderall ran out first, and I became a mess.
I was constantly moody, my sleep suffered immensely, I started to spiral back in to a depression that put me on a track towards seeking medical health relief in the first place.
I began to care less and less for my own well-being. I cared very little for consequences of my actions and became reckless with my actions.
I was probably off of Adderall for a month when I was arrested for DWI.
I should have been more concerned about the ramifications of my actions (thankfully my arrest was because I failed to signal and that there was no motor vehicle accident), but something inside was almost apathetic to this serious legal debacle.
At the time I was not aware that my mostly apathetic reaction to a DWI charge (and later a conviction) was because my concerns were placed elsewhere.
I continued with therapy, and it helped. I was (and still am) seeing a psychiatrist once a month and a therapist every two weeks.
To this day, I am still a mess.
I’m still very apathetic, which, some may argue is better than depression, but I almost have to disagree.
The medication I’m on now has little to no addictive tendencies, so I’m thankful for that, but the very medication I am now on to cope with depression and anxiety that was worsened by the sudden absence of two addicting medications has left me often emotionless.
My therapist tells me that I need to learn to start using my gut instincts and stop over-analyzing every aspect of every life event and encounter I experience.
While it sounds simple, Adderall actually helped me craft a different way of approaching and analyzing situations.
Some may argue that my Adderall-less mind is a blessing, and in some ways I would tend to agree, but I miss the focus and feeling of empowerment I felt with Amphetamine Salts coursing through my blood, affecting every thought and emotion I was experiencing.
Today, I can confidently say that I have been off of Adderall over a year now (minus one relapse where I received two doses from a friend who was also prescribed).
I have in so many ways wished for that prescription to be refilled, to again be able to do things with a sense of purpose and clarity.
I would love if I could stop grinding my teeth when I’m anxious or uncomfortable in social situations, but I suppose it’s the price I pay for no longer having this medication in my body, but it is still very much a part of my life, even in it’s absence.
My advice to others would be, should they be given an option from their medical professional, to seek another form of assistance with ADHD and ADHD-related symptoms, be it prescription or not.
You will learn to love this drug, and you will hate yourself for loving it so much.
If you love something but it doesn’t come back to you, you are to set it free.
But Adderall does not play by those rules.