Where do I start?
I live month-to-month, waiting for that 30 day mark where I can get a refill.
I run out of Adderall within the first 1-2 weeks, despite getting 1200 mg/month.
I spend that time with little to no sleep and lose complete track of how much I consume.
I used to keep a journal of the times I took it, but now I avoid thinking about how much I really take in a day.
Don’t want to ruin my good feelings, right?
I feel like I have the world on my shoulders, the first few days after the refill.
Then my days drift into oblivion and a zombie-like state where I finally run out of dopamine and am no longer the amazing person I love.
I begin to hear things that aren’t there, like subtle noises, and my vision begins to blur the second day without sleep.
During that time, I do things obsessively, yet feel so so good about them.
Usually this involves spending 8+ hours straight on the Internet– popping a peach pill or 2 every 2 hours or so to avoid a comedown and loss of interest.
I feel as if I’m not even alive but I am a being, absent of a soul.
After sleeping a bit after a two-day binge, I start again.
Focus and productivity, the original reason I was prescribed, are a thing of the past.
I get paranoid that my parents will see that I’m not sleeping, because I’m drugged out and the fear literally paralyzes me sometimes.
I know I am damaging myself, and I don’t deserve it, but I don’t want to stop my Adderall addiction.
I have to take it before everything.
However, I have a sense of hope that I am going to get better.
I have really become close to my family and am trying to push through the withdrawal symptoms that I experience every month.
I want to get better, and for that I am so proud of myself.
I’ve seen myself live without it before and I know I can do it again – if I really want to.
Thank you for reading this, and I apologize if it doesn’t make any sense.
I’m 36 hours with no sleep – but tonight, I am going to try my hardest to avoid my biggest weakness.