I first started taking Adderall 2 years ago, fresh into college.
I’ll never forget that first pill – how invincible I felt!
For years, I had a monster drink every morning and sometimes more during the day… and I stopped almost immediately after I got a prescription.
I have ADD/ADHD, but my parent didn’t want me growing up on drugs.
I wanted a “cure”, and my answer was just a pill – and my grades shot up, I kicked ass at my job and talking to people was incredibly easy.
Aside from getting used to some of the small side effects, like not eating or this weird feeling of free falling (first month or two on the pill), I felt unstoppable.
Now I am socially awkward or just weird, i guess, because I’m always high.
I don’t really have feelings, anymore – I can’t have a calm conversation about anything, even with my closest friends.
I talk 100 miles an hour, not to mention that “relaxing” doesn’t really exist, any more.
Somehow, no matter how messed up it makes me feel, I still convince myself that I need it.
I started taking extras from my gf, she has had them all her life and sparing a couple here and there was no big deal to her.
Soon, I gave up asking and just started sneaking them.
I started doubling my doses some days, thinking I would get more work done… and most of the time, I just sat down somewhere and got stuck in my head overthinking things.
I down the bottle the first week, then spend the rest of the month buying it off friends or sleeping till my next refill.
Sober me thinks when I get some more, I’ll get my life back on track.
I got my latest refill on Monday, and I haven’t slept since then.
I am abusing these – and I hate it – but I can’t stop. I just pop another and maybe another one in a couple hours…
I am sorry for the book I just wrote..
But I have had enough of this.
I don’t know how to tell myself “no” and actually mean it – but I can’t take another sympathetic look from relatives and friends.
If this makes anyone mad, I am really sorry, there are some amazing stories on here and the ironic thing is I was checking what an overdose limit was.
I was afraid I took too many, today. I lost count, but I wanted some more.
I have thought about getting help multiple times and I would always convince myself against it at the last minute.
These stories have made me feel not alone for the first time in a while… and it is a long awaited calm feeling, I guess.
Withdrawals suck, but it is comforting to know I am not alone.